A matter of death and life.

15th Jan 2019.

Last Sunday, I went for the cremation of a young man, Avinash. 36 when he died, from a sudden and massive heart attack. Which was two nights before, on the 11th of January 2019.

I went because he was the older brother of my close friend, Kaushik, who died on the 9th of January, two years ago. Kaushik was 32 then.

Happy new year.

I went because his folks are like my own, like most of our own. Simple, intuitively warm, naturally god-fearing and thoroughly decent.

A parent having to do the last rites of his child is the worst joke the universe can inflict. In the epic movie, Sholay, the geriatric Imaam laments: “Jaante ho duniya ka sabse bada bojh kya hota hai? Boodhe baap ke kandhe pe jawan bete ka janaza.” (Do you know what the heaviest burden in the world is? It’s the weight of an old father carrying his young son’s coffin.)

Now imagine that crushing weight twice over.

This is devastating because it is against the run of nature. Yes, everyone is mortal, but the normal course is to outlive those who birthed you. The expected play of things is for you to sob because you loved the departed, but to smile knowing the person deceased lived a full life. This is eviscerating as it has left two of the loveliest people around – two parents, in their late 60s, shaking and numb. Incapable of comprehension, unable to accept and unwilling to let go.

Truly, how do you move on from something like this?

As a father, I know the abyss exists, but I don’t have the guts to peek into it. It is unimaginable to even vaguely contemplate; I cannot picture the horror of living through it every day.

The brothers also leave behind young wives who must train themselves to look forward, if only because the present is painful beyond compare.

Is there any meaning in this? Can this be explained with ‘The Man above works in mysterious ways’ or that ‘Only the good die young?’ If there is any sense in this cluster-fuck of a farce, it possibly is this: We imbue life with value and worth, and yet it is inherently meaningless; it’s a game of roulette that we’re unaware we’re even playing. The wheel is wide and there are many numbers, but there’s surely one with your name on it. The disc is worn out, the ball hops without notice and without care. And often with glee. The universe is either random or it is deliberate. There are either Gods, or there are none. But in either case, the powers-that-be don’t always play fair or even feel the need to give answers. When your next breath is just the whoosh of the casino ball missing you, perhaps all one can do is to live in the now. To be grateful for this moment. And to appreciate that every moment alive is honestly just chance.

So, smile often. Forgive more people, more often. Be more fearless than you dare to be. Take yourself ridiculously. Gravitas is just gravy.

And go for sloppy kisses, hugs that hurt. Because if not now, then when? When fucking when?

Peace, love, empathy

Ram Cobain

(Pic courtesy Woodinville Florist)