Wednesday, January 30, 2008

maybe I’m wrong

maybe I’m wrong

but how important is it to do the “right” thing?

the “right” thing is what is fair in the court of conscience, where no other person need be present for a verdict

for me, it is everything.

and no, it’s not easy at all

it’s a constant war to fight one’s baser self, to rein in the animal that says the world was a cruel place before you came in

it’s a struggle to accept one’s inabilities, to applaud louder another’s accomplishment if only to drown out the malignant soul-whisper of envy

it means obsessively checking oneself, looking at the mirror with a far more critical eye than an ageing prima-donna

it means slapping oneself to the reality that turning a blind eye is the worst kind of peek-a-boo; akin to watching one’s mother bathe

it means allowing oneself no rope to falter, no confession-box-shortcut-to-salvation, no excuses at all

it means giving the right advice when you don’t want to, giving up credit unearned by the sweat of your brow or the migraine of your intellect and never giving in to the silicon-tit of temptation

sometimes for all its earthy-scent of justice, I feel living this way is unfair to me

because it means not using people to one’s own advantage, of realizing that the other person’s shoes are often two sizes too small, of feeling scrutinized and caged by bars of free air…while being used to other people’s advantage, while stumbling alone on one’s two clumsy feet and while seeing others amble through the same bars as if the rods were made of cloud dust (which they are!)

but then I realize that I can sleep easy, walk like a prized pugilist and sing in the rain

and sound wonderful, sound just right

if only to myself.

peace, love, empathy